Accept First — Then Change Comes

Why Acceptance Is the Doorway to Change

In therapy, many people come in hoping to “fix” something about themselves: a pattern they can’t break, an inner critic that won’t soften, or a painful emotional loop they can’t escape. But the paradox of healing is this:

The moment we stop fighting ourselves is the moment something inside us begins to shift.

As a psychodynamic and trauma therapist in Oakland, I often see that the instinct to change quickly comes from a place of fear — a belief that “if I don’t change now, I’ll lose control,” or “this pain will swallow me.” But real change does not come from force. It comes from understanding.

The Sacred Pause Before Transformation

When we slow down enough to turn toward our difficult emotions with compassion, something softens. In psychodynamic therapy, we explore the origins of your internal struggle — the places inside that learned, long ago, that judgment or self-criticism was safer than tenderness.

In trauma therapy, this is especially important. The parts of you that seem resistant or reactive are often protective, not problematic. They’re trying to keep you safe. Acceptance doesn’t mean approving of the pain. It means acknowledging what is happening inside without abandoning yourself.

A Real Moment from the Therapy Room

I once had a client who came in exhausted — caught between caring for aging parents, parenting teenage children, and working a full-time job. She sat in my office, overwhelmed, saying she “should” be able to handle more.

When I gently asked her how much she was already carrying, she paused.
And then she cried.

In that moment, we weren’t trying to change anything. We weren’t problem-solving or strategizing. We were simply witnessing the truth of her experience — the heaviness, the loneliness, the burnout.

And something happened.

Once she stopped judging herself, she could finally feel her body.
The tension softened.
Her breath deepened.
And only then could we explore what needed to shift.

Acceptance doesn’t mean stagnation. Paradoxically, it softens and creates movement for change.

Why Your Nervous System Needs Acceptance First

For people with trauma, self-criticism often becomes a survival strategy. The nervous system scans for danger — even internal danger — and tries to control it. But healing asks something different: Safety. Compassion. Awareness. Only then can the body and psyche relax enough to invite change. This is why in trauma therapy we work slowly, gently, and relationally. When you are met with presence rather than pressure, the nervous system begins to reorganize.

Acceptance Is Not the Same as Giving Up

There is a misconception that acceptance means resignation or passivity. But true acceptance is active. It is a courageous turning inward.

It sounds like:

• “This is what I’m feeling right now.”

• “This part of me is overwhelmed.”

• “Something inside needs attention, not punishment.”

From this place, change becomes organic rather than forced.

How Psychodynamic & Trauma Therapy Support Real Change

In our work together, we explore:

The root of your patterns
Why you respond the way you do — not just how to stop doing it.

The emotional history living beneath the surface
Old survival strategies that once kept you safe but now feel restrictive.

The protective parts that fear change
Because resistance is rarely laziness — it's usually self-protection.

The possibility of internal freedom
As acceptance grows, you begin to feel room inside for new choices, boundaries, and ways of relating.

A New Relationship with Yourself

Healing is not a straight line. It’s a relationship — with your emotions, your history, and the parts of you that long to be understood.

When we meet ourselves with compassion, shame loses its grip.
When we soften, the world inside reorganizes.
When we accept what already IS —instead of resisting it—change follows.

This is the work of trauma-informed psychodynamic therapy: to help you feel seen, supported, and safe enough to evolve.

If This Resonates, You’re Not Alone

If you’re in Oakland or the surrounding East Bay and are longing for a deeper, more compassionate way to understand yourself, I’d be honored to support you.

I offer psychodynamic, trauma-informed therapy for adults and teens, both in-person and online.

Click here to schedule a consultation or learn more about my trauma-informed approach