Facing Avoidance: Why We Hide From Ourselves and Others
The Elephant in the Room
The elephant in the room no one wants to touch. You evade it, pretend things are okay. Something remains unspoken—an awkwardness: the boundary violation, the adoration, or the confusion. avoidance keeps us from progressing forward, and as a result, it also holds us back.
You sense something is off, a tension in the air. Avoidance is a verb: to steer clear of, dodge, ignore, or evade. And yet, what we avoid doesn't disappear. Like pushing something underneath a rug, we might not see it directly, but we know it's still there, and eventually, we end up tripping over all that we've been avoiding.
What Is Avoidance in Relationships?
Avoidance helps us escape what we perceive as painful:
The crush withheld from disclosure.
The resentment we try to bury, convincing ourselves we can "just get over it."
The profound grief we delay in addressing.
The fears, envy, or rage we repress.
We defend against discomfort. But sometimes, it costs us more to avoid than to face. The nature of avoidance suggests that what we're avoiding should be avoided. It's better to keep it quiet, pretend it's not there.
Crises & Avoidance
A social and collective crisis often forces us to confront what has always been there, underneath the surfaces we tried to sweep under the rug: the social inequalities, our anxieties, and our mortality. This collective avoidance of uncomfortable truths can lead to societal issues, inequities and strained relationships. Collectively and interpersonally, what are we not talking about? What truths do we consciously or unconsciously leave out of our conversations?
Stories of Confronting Avoidance in Therapy
A client once described avoidance as a lightbulb moment: "I had many others tell me I had something with my relationship with my mother, but I always dismissed it." Facing what he avoided became essential for his growth.
Another client avoided grief until her daughter asked about the deceased. To be a good mother, she had to stop avoiding her own pain.
Why We Avoid Feelings
We avoid for many reasons:
Self-protection – sparing ourselves or others pain.
Fear of vulnerability – avoiding grief, betrayal, or shame.
Control – withholding truth to manipulate or preserve relationships.
Comfort zones – preferring the familiar over the unknown.
Yet avoidance has consequences. Suppressed truths often resurface through anxiety, depression, or show up in our body through physical ailments.
The Cost of Chronic Avoidance
Children intuit and sense what isn't said by the adults around. Adults often carry unspoken grief, anger, or feelings of betrayal. Over time, unacknowledged truths can harm relationships and have a negative impact on our health. Avoidance convinces us silence is safety—but silence also breeds shame.
Moving Beyond Avoidance
What might happen if we stopped avoiding?
Letting down our guards
Listening non-defensively
Speaking up honestly
Facing our grief and fears
Curiosity and honesty soothe shame. Engaging openly with others—even those with whom we disagree—supports unity, and authentic connections, something essential for human survival.
Avoidance as a Survival Strategy
Drinking, drugs, avoidance, social media, intellectualizing, staying busy-any behavior can be a form of avoidance. The behaviors themselves are not the problem. Mysteriously, those behaviors are helping us avoid something else. What is it about avoiding that feels temporarily relieving? Consequently, does it also block the authentic nature that lets us live a complete life?
Of course, not all avoidance is harmful. Often, we must avoid certain things to stay safe. We avoid jaywalking and crossing the street in cars. We prevent a conversation we're not prepared for when we set a limit or boundary. However, if we learn to rely on avoidance as a chronic, impulsive strategy, we end up avoiding ourselves, our growth, connection, and the opportunity to create a life we hope to live. We don't achieve a fulfilling life by staying in our comfort zone.
Reflection: What Are You Avoiding?
We are mysteriously complicated: Our shadows, inner worlds, and the messiness of the human experience. Sometimes we can be afraid of ourselves, fearful of others. Sometimes we royally mess up. And many times, we want to avoid it all. Avoidance happens on our interpersonal levels and our collective realms. Some of us avoid emotions, or adventure, or change. Sadly, some of us avoid self-reflection, a built in tool that can empower us to take more control over our lives. What might we begin to learn when we ask ourselves more intentionally? What might we be avoiding?
There is a mysterious quality about what we avoid and why. In your relationships, are there areas where you are evading? What have you wanted to try to speak to but have thus far avoided? At the core of it, what are you unwilling to feel?
Avoidance is part of being human, but when we stop running, we may finally discover freedom, wholeness, and a deeper connection with ourselves and others.
If avoidance has kept you from living fully, therapy can help you face what feels unbearable. I offer holistic psychotherapy for adults, teens, and families—online or in-person. Reach out today for a free consultation.
